The Ultimate Randomness!
by ashtonhott
Summary: This is a crazy fic I wrote whilst drinking too much firewhisky. Read at your own risk. Completely random. Completely stupid.


THERE'S A MONKEY IN MY CUPBOARD! Wait… I DON'T HAVE A CUPBOARD! Hmm… well… maybe I should get a cupboard. Nah. I don't need one. I could get an Aragog, and keep it in the cupboard. WAIT! I HAVE ARACHNIPHOBIA! THAT WOULDN'T WORK OUT! I'D FREAK IF I SAW A GIANT ACROMANTULA! cringes Just thinking about a huge spider in a cupboard of mine makes me freak. Come to think of it… I DON'T HAVE A MONKEY EITHER! Hmm… maybe I should go to a suspicious looking British pub and look for a dude with a head sticking out of the back of his head dressed in a black cloak, and has his face completely covered. Maybe he would have a monkey. Maybe this is how our conversation would go:

**How my conversation with Mr. Anonymous would go:**

**Me: Hello!**

**Mr. Anonymous: looks around at sound of happiness **

**Me: Over here!**

**Mr. Anonymous: squeaky voice Hi. **

**Me: Um. You don't have a squeaky voice. Wormtail does. You're the one who stutters.**

**Mr. Anonymous: Oh. R- r- right.**

**Me: slaps forehead **

**Mr. Anonymous: R- r- right. Where were w-w-we?**

**Me: Uh… thinks so hard her brain stops working, she orders a firewhisky, and her brain is fully functional again, all in the time span of 15 seconds **

**Mr. Anonymous: DO YOU WANT TO BUY MY FREAKING MONKEY OR NOT!**

**Me: looks around startled remembers **

**Mr. Anonymous: slaps forehead **

**Me: HEY! I'M THE FOREHEAD SLAPPER HERE!**

**Mr. Anonymous: hangs head in shame **

**Me: And anyway, what's with all the asterisks and stuff?**

**Mr. Anonymous: N- n- no clue.**

**Me: Hm.**

**Mr. Anonymous: Hm? Hm-hm? Hm-hm-hm? Or just 'hm'?**

**Me: looking thunderstruck then realizing who she's dealing with, she gains her composure, and is suddenly very business-like. **

**Mr. Anonymous: WOW! W- w- what's with the s- s- sudden business-like s- s- tuff?**

**Me: blushes I like to do it, it makes me feel business-like. **

**Thinking: That's the whole point of being business-like, to _feel_ business-like! Nitwit!**

**Mr. Anonymous: So… W- w- would you like a monkey OR N- N- NOT!**

**Me: Geez, Mr. I-have-Voldie-under-my-turban-thinking-it's-cleverly-disguising-the-fact-that-Voldie-is-under-my-hideously-colored-purple-turban-and-even-though-I'm-the-DADA-teacher-you-should-treat-me-with-respect-or-I-will-take-points-away-from-your-house-even-though-you're-not-at-Hogwarts!**

**Mr. Anonymous: goggly-eyed **

**Me: So, back to the whole reason I wrote this story! Pulls out Quick-Quotes Quill **

**Still Me: Question 1: Why are you hiding Ol' Voldie under your hideously colored purple turban? **

**Mr. Anonymous (Who's not really that anonymous): looks nervous **

**I d- d- don't know what y- y- you're talking ab- b- bout!**

**Me: Oh, yeah? You have no idea why Lord Voldemort is hiding under your purple turban, and, surprisingly enough, is ATTACHED TO YOUR HEAD!**

**Random People at the Leaky Cauldron: running into walls **

**Me: looks satisfied **

**Mr. Anonymous: YOU D- D- DON'T KNOW WHAT Y- Y- YOU'RE TALKING AB- B- BOUT!**

**Me: cocks eyebrow Oh, really?**

**Mr. Anonymous: gulps **

**Me: Well, we'll just see about that! Unwraps Quirrell's turban AAAAHHHHHH!**

** finds Lord Moldy-Shorts, oops, I mean Lord _Voldemort's_ head under the turban **

**Tom the Bartender: DIE, VOLDEMORT! chucks a bottle of butterbeer at Voldemort's head **

**Voldemort: Ow.**

**Harry Potter: I'VE COME HERE TO RESCUE EVERYONE FROM-**

**Me: OMFG! HARRY POTTER! Can I have an autograph!**

**Harry: Yeah… sure… signs picture **

**Mr. Anonymous: squeals like a girl _Harry! _What are you doing! You're not supposed to be here!**

**Me: YO! MR. VOLDIE'S HOST, WHERE'D YOUR STUTTER GO!**

**Mr. Anonymous (Oh, enough of this Mr. Anonymous, it's Quirrell from now on, k?): Oh, snuff it, silly little girl!**

**Me: I _KNOW_ YOU DIDN'T JUST CALL ME A 'SILLY LITTLE GIRL'! OH, IT'S ON, QUIRRELL! grabs nearest object and chucks it at Quirrell **

**Quirrell: narrowly dodges being hit by Fred Weasley **

**Me: FRED WEASLEY!**

**Fred: Yeah?**

**Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE?**

**Fred: shrugs I followed Harry here.**

**Me: rounding on Harry HOW DID YOU GET HERE!**

**Harry: looks around nervously before finally looking her in the eye **

**Uhh… I apparated?**

**Hermione: HARRY JAMES POTTER! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU _CAN'T_ APPARATE INSIDE HOGWARTS' GROUNDS!**

**Me: OMFG HERMIONE! CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH?**

**Hermione: signs picture **

**Me: mumbling _Great. I can make a copy of this to Jessica and hopefully she'll not hate Hermione anymore!_**

**Jessica: Fat chance, Carly.**

**Me: OMFG JESSICA! CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH?**

**Wait… I see you all the time anyways… I don't need an autograph…**

**Jessica: looks put-out **

**Me: remembers about Voldemort and Quirrell and Tom the Barkeeper OMFG VOLDIE! **

**Voldemort: You rang?**

**Jessica: OMFG ARE YOU REALLY VOLDEMORT! I WANNA BE A DEATHEATER! DO YOU MIND! I THINK THE DARK MARK IS THE COOLEST THING EVER! AND OMFG THIS IS JUST SO COOL! I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL EVERYBODY THAT I MET VOLDEMORT, AND HARRY POTTER, AND HERMIONE GRANGER! THEY'LL GO NUTS AND THEY'LL NEVER BELIEVE ME! OMFG CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH VOLDEMORT, I MEAN DARK LORD! WAIT… YOU DON'T HAVE ANY ARMS… QUIRRELL, CAN YOU FORGE THE DARK LORD'S SIGNATURE FOR ME!**

**Everyone in the vicinity: staring at Jessica with wide eyes **

**Lockhart: Did someone say _signature_?**

**Everyone in the vicinity: groans **

**Voldemort: kills Lockhart with 'Avada Kedavra' **

**Tom the Bartender: FREE BUTTERBEER FOR EVERYONE! mumbles Except for Voldemort.**

**Voldemort: Kills Tom the Barkeeper with 'Avada Kedavra'**

**Me: VOLDEMORT! WILL YOU JUST FOR ONE SECOND NOT KILL ANYONE, PREFERABBLY ME OR HARRY! Feel free to kill Ginny Weasley, or, if you're up to it, YOURSELF.**

**Jessica: hisses at the sound of Ginny's name **

**Ginny: YO, JESSICA! YOU WANNA DUEL! I'LL KICK YOUR BUTT!**

**Jessica: kills Ginny with 'Avada Kedavra'**

**Harry: She was my only chance for true love… tear **

**Jessica: OH, GET OVER IT, ALREADY! smacks Harry in the face **

**Me: OI! EVERYONE! LET'S NOT FORGET THE REAL REASON I'M HERE! turns to Quirrell Now WHERE'S MY MONKEY!**

**Hagrid: 'Ere ya go, Carly! hands Carly a purple monkey in a pink spacesuit **

**Me: looking extremely pleased Thanks, Hagrid! You're a real pal!**

**Draco: Oh, now, come on, Carly. Do you _really _think accepting anything from this giant oaf is acceptable?**

**Me: faints **

**Jessica: I can fix that! '_Ennervate'_**

**Draco: Why did you faint?**

**Me: faints **

**Jessica: slaps forehead This might take awhile…**

_**Two hours later…**_

**Jessica: I'M NOT DOING IT ANY MORE FREAKING TIMES! '_Ennervate'_**

**Draco: Why does she keep fainting?**

**Jessica: Because you are talking to her.**

**Draco: What, is she like, in love with me or something?**

**Jessica: Yup.**

**Draco: Oh.**

**Jessica: looking menacing Is there a _problem _with that! Cause I know a few decent spells that'll make you wish you hadn't said anything!**

**Draco: No, I LOVE HER TOO!**

**Me: OMFG DRACO! NO YOU DON'T! I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE THE VERY FIRST TIME I SAW YOU, WHICH WAS IN THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS, OUR VERY FIRST DAY AT HOGWARTS! I SAW YOU AND I KNEW THAT WE WOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER, AND THAT EVEN IF WE DIDN'T GET INTO THE SAME HOUSE, WE'D END UP TOGETHER, AND WE'D LIVE LIKE THEY DO IN FAIRYTALES, WITH THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER ENDING AND EVERYTHING! OMFG I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU AND HAVE YOUR BABIES, AND I-**

**Jessica mumbling to Draco _Just smirk and she'll shut up._**

**Draco: smirks **

**Me: faints **

**Draco: Oh, dear. I see we'll have to work on that. But thanks for the tip!**

**Jessica: No prob. '_Ennervate'_**

**Me: Ok, OMFG WHERE DID VOLDEMORT AND HARRY GO!**

**Everyone in the vicinity: looks for Harry and Voldie **

**Jessica: gasp **

**Draco: smirk **

**Me: faints **

**Draco: Oops. I forgot she faints everytime I smirk. Am I really that sexy?**

**Jessica: Not as sexy as your fath- Perhaps I've said too much.**

**Draco: cocks eyebrow My _father!_**

**Jessica: Uh… did I say that? I meant… uh… _damn!_**

**Draco: Uh-huh, sure. OH, FATHER!**

**Lucius: Yes, son?**

**Draco: Go fuck Jessica's brains out, k?**

**Lucius and Jessica: gone with the wind **

**Me: still in fatigue **

**Draco: That'll keep a smirk on Jessica's face for a while… great… everytime I see her in the common room now she'll remind me of it… OH, SHIT! I forgot about Carly! '_Ennervate'_**

**Me: FINALLY UNCONSCIENCOUS **

**OMFG WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S JESSICA?**

**Draco: Fucking my father.**

**Me: GOOD FOR HER! She's always wanted to do it…**

**Anywho… where's Harry and Voldemort?**

**Fred Weasley: Outside dueling.**

**Everyone in vicinity: OMFG! all run outside to watch the duel **

**Harry: DIE!**

**Voldemort: DIE!**

**Harry: DIE!**

**Voldemort: DIE!**

**Harry: DIE!**

**Voldemort: DIE!**

**Harry: DIE! **

**Voldemort: DIE!**

_**1, 990, 554, 322 hours later**_

**Harry: DIE! **

**Voldemort: DIE!**

**Me: SHUT IT BOTH OF YOU OR I'LL KICK BOTH YOUR ARSES TO URANUS AND BACK! **(hehe… I've always wanted to say 'arse')

**Harry and Voldemort: DIE!**

**Harry: 'AVADA KEDAVRA'!**

**Voldemort: dead **

**Harry: BOO-YA, VOLDIE! PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, OH, WAIT! YOU CAN'T! CUZ YOU'RE DEAD! NANANANA BOOBOO!**

**Fred: FREE TON-TONGUE TOFFEES FOR EVERYONE WHO WITNESSED THIS HISTORIC MOMENT!**

**Ginny: dead **

**Lockhart: dead **

**Hermione: reading "Hogwarts, A History" **

**Tom the Bartender: dead **

**Hagrid: Wouldn't Ol' Norbert and Aragog and Buckbeack and the Blast-Ended Skewrts and Grawp be so happy to hear about this! I gotta go tell 'em! runs off **

**Random People: partying **

**Draco: smirks **

**Me: faints **

**Draco: Oh, shit…**

**Fin.**

9


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